Saturday, January 24, 2009

How to Screw Up Your Diet: 3. Find The Food Condoms

Find the food condoms

Plastic-wrapped food is what you’re seeking. Remember that plastic is all modern, and new. YOU want to modern and new, so let's get with the program!!

If it’s found in a pre-packaged form, eat it.

If you have no idea how long it has been on a shelf, eat it.

If all of the items in the case look exactly the same, like they are all stamped out of the same food widget mold – go for it.

One more bonus of the Food Condom ... those foods will never go bad. Bacteria won't even eat them!!

Friday, January 23, 2009

How to Screw Up Your Diet: 2. Master Speed Eating

Master speed eating

When you sign up for your new diet, you want to speed-eat so your food spends more time in your gullet than in your mouth.

Otherwise, you’ll taste your low-whatever, cardboard-flavored food product. You really don't want to taste it, because it's nasty.

Remember, your goal is to do anything but enjoy your food, so be sure to gobble it down in 10 minutes or less.

Treat your food, and eating itself, like a chore you want to just be done with. Otherwise, you will end up like those people who linger over their food ... taking their time ... enjoying it all ... how annoying is that?

Especially since those people they tend to be thin!!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Follow the fad

Be on the lookout for the newest of all the new diets – the more esoteric and absurd the better.

Think cabbage soup, peanut butter and fat-be-gone rings.

Statistically speaking, these have failed so often that sooner or later they must finally work.

This is your year!

If you want to royally mess up your diet, then think "lemming" thoughts, and just go with whatever everyone else has glommed onto this year.

Good luck with that.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

How To Screw Up Your Diet

Americans face every January with renewed resolutions to fight the fat, battle the bulge, handle the love handles. And yet, every year the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention tell us that our obesity rates are increasing.

What’s wrong with this picture?

We are either the very definition of insane – doing the same thing each year and expecting a different result – or perhaps we just need to turn our thinking upside down regarding these annual New Year’s resolutions.

Think about this logically. We subscribe to the new “Top Ten Tips” for living a healthy life every single year, and fail and flail each time. So for 2009, let’s apply a little reverse psychology. This year, let’s try to really screw up our diets. If we – in typical fashion – fail to keep these resolutions, we’ll mess up “the screw up” and, voila, end up healthy!!

I love logic.

So over the next 10 days, I'm going to give you my “Top Ten Tips” for royally screwing up your diet in the coming year, with my deepest hopes for you that you will give them your very best efforts … and fail miserably!!

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